Jeetne ka jasba........

"Main dhanda fayde ke liye karta hoon. Agar fayda na hota, to main dhande main aata hi nahi" So spoke the guy who had got into the bus at SEEPZ. Did not seem very educated, was about 45, seemed to have done good for himself in life, but not good enuff to own a private vehicle. (said, kaun traffic main atakne ka jhanjhat lega).

Was giving this gyaan to a young chap with him. His further gyaan was about how you can win anything in life if you have the right attitude (he used the word jasba).

I looked up from the book i was reading. He reminded me of an incident that took place in 2002.

When I was in engineering sem 3 (Elec 3). It was sports week. Couple of girls from my class and good friends of mine, lets call them A & D, participated in ladies doubles badminton. I saw them win the first round match easliy and then come and sat near us. Discussion veered towards the next match with the plump girls from Electronics sem 5.
Some one told A - all the best, they are good players, hope you win.
A (fresh from her confidence boosting win) : Mujhe agar haarna hi hota, to main khelti kyun
Me : you mean u'll go on to win the tournament?
A : ofcourse.
Me : are u sure, you guys have hardly practised.
A : yes
Me : that sounds like overconfidence.
A: no, thats a winners attitude. I am not a pessimistic like you. I play to win. Nothing else.

We all looked at her. She was serious.

Me : great, all the best!



Next day, they lost 7 - 1, 7 - 0.

This isn't the life I ordered…..

Maybe I should end this life.

I am tired of this daily struggle to find the will to go on. I don't know how many more days I can wake up and  go about pretending everything's fine. It isn’t. Who says money can buy you anything? Not happiness, not a reason to live.

I guess most people would call me lucky. How many would come out alive from under a fallen chimney? ……

……..Our steel plant. It was just routine inspection, kind of ordeal I went about daily. 15 workers, 3 officers died plunging along with the beams. My 2 bodyguards trying to shield me, but died. (Maya says she had given up hope of seeing me alive.) After 15 hours, the rescue team got me out, from where I lay. I wasn’t hurt. The stretcher was cold, hard. I tried to get up, but couldn’t……….
……Some blue room. Faces. Maya, doctor talking. Why is Maya crying? I am fine. She sinks into the sofa, sobbing …..
….. my bedroom, Maya, smiling. “I am there, I’ll take care.” Of what?? ”Usha, saaab ke pair pe chaadar udhao”. I am not feeling cold……
That was 2 years back. I haven’t smiled since, spoken rarely. Just signed a few documents. Maya is taking care of things. I am still the chairperson, but its Maya who is the Boss. Poor girl, was shattered when I asked her to divorce me. Has decided to grow old with me. will fulfill all my dreams. She had her own dreams: Hum do, hamare do, she would say. Living happily ever after.
We cant have kids now.
Maya talking to me. Something about giving a life to some child. I think she wants to visit a child adoption agency. Cannot blame her for wanting to be a mother…but I am useless. No, leave me alone.
Of late, I have been hearing strange noises. Joy, laughter, frolic. Afternoons and evenings. Must be the whisky.
The plant is ready. Maya has been hardly home for the last one year. She wants me to come at the commissioning, I refuse. I would prefer being left alone. I think I saw tears welling up in her eyes. She pleads again. I close my eyes.

I am a recluse now. Avoid Maya as well. I’ll be doing her a favour. She is still young. And the growing empire is hers. Why should she be unhappy because of me. Yes. The decision is correct. My revolver is in the lower drawer. I write her a letter.

I call for one of the drivers. Its Abdul. He’s got the BMW. He looks tired. Its 2 AM. Give him the letter, to be given to madam when we  return.

Ask him to take me to Lonavla. The sunrise is very beautiful at the Bootleggers valley. That’s when I shoot myself.

We start off. I ask him to to drive fast. I want to experience speed before I die. I close my eyes, lower the windows and feel the air on my face. Cell phone rings.

Maya. She is frantic. She loves me. Live for her coward!

I ask the driver to take me back.  He takes a U – turn. I tear the letter.

Dawn breaks out as we reach home. What’s that?? Noises from across the compound wall. Joyous laughter.

“Abdul, ye kya hain??”

“Bacche saab”

“Kiske?”

Hesitation.

“ Saab, anath ashram ke. Apke poorane bagiche main hain na. Maya madam roz wahan aati hain”

“Hamare ghar main?. Mujhe wahan le chalo”

What the hell has Maya done? Am I businessman or saint giving out charity?? Our CSR policy took care of all that “ 2 saal se chal raha hain. Pehle 20 bacche un mazdoor ke the, jo accident main mare gaye the. Unki patni bhi yahan kaam karti hain.”

What crap? I wasn’t responsible for their wellbeing. They must have been compensated. “ Ab kareeb sau bacche hain.”

We stop. Children all around the park – where I used to jog earlier.

I stare. Some children come close to the car. Recognize me. Soon the car is surrounded by children. Cacophony. I roll up the windows.

“Pooche unhe kya chahiye”

“ Gareeb bacche hain saab. Aaap ke karan zinda hain. Kuch nahi chahte. Sirf aapki lambi aur khushaal zindagi ki dua kar rahe hai” .

My life?? And I was about to throw it all away!

I want to say something. Cannot. Maya appears. Hugs me as I open the door. She hasn’t slept all night.

“Maya……yeh sab?” Fighting tears…..

She smiles. “ Hum do, hamare sau……”

I smile.

It’s evening. The coffee hasn’t tasted this good for a long time. The sunset is beautiful. Never mind the wheelchair.

****************************************************************************

Courage.....

Today evening.....i joined my friends at the table for a snack....& right away saw her....
Have often seen her there, always near that table, her fave spot maybe.....have consciously avoided the table many a times, just to avoid her....

But now, here i am.....just about 3 feet away....staring....she also stared back.....
Finally managed to pull myself away & join the conversation with my friends, some stupid thing about how to say no to a marriage & blah blah.....my thoughts were all about her....

"what should i do?
should i tell these guys???
they must have seen her you dumbo, she is so close"

Food arrives......i steal a glance, her head is turned away...but i feel her eyes on me.....as if she is appraising me....maybe making up her mind...maybe if she should make a move.....i somehow eat the food....somehow.....difficult, given the train of thoughts.....

"if i do anything now, what will these guys say??
who cares, my life.
why you scared to make your move, she wont eat you....."

it takes an amazing self control to be sitting calmly, to seemingly be part of a conversation, when she is so close....almost touching distance.....

I raise my eyes......& meet hers....looking directly at me.....whats she thinking?? has she moved closer or am i imagining it??

"Shit......
Ok, calm, nothings gonna happen, it never does......she will go away.....like all the others who did... how long will this go on, you need to do something......."

Tea arrives.....she has actually moved closer........

"Be strong, look at her, go ahead & do it......it will be hardly anything.....you have seen so many people doing the same thing......
look at her!!!! cannot muster the courage to glance in her direction...!!!"

Tea is gulped down. Hot. I must have been nervous......

Canteen owner to the rescue . " Anything else sir?"

"No" i can still feel the hot tea in my tummy.....coupled with the churning her presence is
causing...

i get up & muster the courage ......i had to do something about it......

I look in her direction, grimace & clap.
The lizard scampers away......

My friends promise me they will recommend me for the bravery award next Republic day.....